April 7, 2013

Upside Down

Sometimes-- maybe lots more often than we are consciously aware of-- a split second occurrence turns your life upside down. Just an instant that should have been as uneventful and un-noteworthy as most others, and you find yourself plunged into an entire sequence of unanticipated and probably unwelcome events. Perhaps, as in my own case, you find yourself plunged into a mire of self-recrimination, guilt, embarrassment and regret. 'Why didn't I... pay more attention to what I was doing? be more careful? anticipate such an event and be prepared for it? Why did I get up that morning, go to where the accident occurred?'

Yeah-- sounds pretty lame and stupid to me too, when I look at what I have just written. However, there is no use in denying what I've felt and what I'm feeling. Exploring, experiencing and finally unraveling Emotion is something that I am very good at. Not much of a plus on a resume, but lots of folks really are not very good at handling emotional content. There is a whole lot of denial, repression, blame and substance abuse out there as a result, and a huge number of people toting major emotional baggage around with them. I'm not saying that I am immune to any of this, or that I have no baggage of my own right now, but I like to travel light. I'll make do with "carry-on" for now. Does acknowledging and dealing with these unpleasant emotions make me a better person? Actually, it can make me seem schizy and unstable at times. However, I mostly succeed in sparing those around me the worst of these emotional catharsis. It seems in this world, everyone needs a "game face" to get by.

Obviously, I have not yet worked through the emotional, physical or mental ripples that resulted from my recent pratfall. Intellectually, I am aware that nothing occurs without a reason, but I don't See it or Feel it yet, so I am still far from any resolution. Sure, it is only a broken wrist-- one that required surgery and just happens to be attached to my presently useless dominant hand. I am feeling better. The pain is more discomfort than else at this point, and I'm getting better at using my other hand to do things like eat and brush my teeth. I can't really write though, or type other than very slowly, or open bottles and jars... the list just goes on. As I said, I am feeling better, but I'm not Feeling better. I am unable to do most of the things I had planned for this Spring. Alongside the emotional, financial and physical factors, I find myself in a sort of limbo, on hold in a most unpleasant fashion.

Spring is usually my favorite season. These are violas-- one of the flowers I love best.
I have received the "pep talks" from different quarters-- reminding me that this is temporary, that it could have been so much worse, that so many others are suffering so much more. I know all of this. In fact, I had already given myself the "pep talk" before I decided to acknowledge and feel the despair that is presently my lot. In my last post, I said that it is alright to be Happy. In this one I am going to say that it is equally alright to be Unhappy-- maybe not to indulge in it or let it become the focal of your life-- but certainly to acknowledge and accept at a given point where it is Truth.

Is there an upside to having your world turned upside down? I don't know yet. I do know that so far this Blog is going in strange directions considering that my initial intent was to segue into a chronicle of artistic and crafty endeavors. Those won't be happening any time real soon. Nor will I be writing long posts it seems, as this is still quite difficult. As for any upside-- I've had more time to read. I am presently revisiting an old friend, Tarzan of the Apes. I started reading Edgar Rice Burroughs books when I was in third grade or so when, having exhausted anything of interest to read at the school library, my Dad started bringing me home a book from the used bookstore every Friday evening. It was one of the highlights of my week, and set me on a lifelong path of loving books in general, and science fiction and fantasy in particular. Thanks Dad! Hello again, Tarzan.

Tucked up on the couch when the wrist starts hurting from hanging in the sling, I've also spent a good deal of time, for good or not, on Pinterest. Yeah-- still a bit obsessed (Obsessions, addictions and compulsions, oh my! February 26, 2013). It is a second hand indulgence in my need for crafts and other artsy pastimes. At any rate, I have had time to organize my boards and add a great number of pins to both old and new ones. I enjoy the fact that my eldest daughter and I seem to have a Pinterest Recipe swap going. We both like trying new things, and exchanging our opinions of recipes we try. (Actually, at present, I'm not really doing much cooking, but I'm still collecting recipes:))

I can't think of any of any other upsides to my present predicament just now. Hopefully, I'll be back soon...

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